And the truth was, we weren't at the point of undesirable; not even close. The truth was, I was a maniac. A maniac fueled by sugar, bad carbohydrates, and blood sugar peaks and valleys. I lashed out. I was grumpy. The highs and lows of sugar consumption caused me to be an emotional disaster. I felt fat, unattractive, insecure, depressed, and exhausted. I craved sugar in mass quantities but I barely ate. I thought that depriving myself of food meant that I had willpower and that it was the key to weight loss. The one time a day I did eat I chose heavy cream based pasta dishes, bread, cheese, and cupcakes for desert. And I never stopped at just one serving.
When I was 12 I had an ovarian cyst that had to be surgically removed. Unfortunately, it also took one of my ovaries. Post surgery, I was given birth control routinely to regulate my hormones and cycles. At 17 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS but it wasn't until I was in college that things really got out of control. I gained weight so quickly it was like I was putting layers of plaster on myself every morning. Sometimes 10 or more pounds would show up over the course of two months. I developed uncontrollable cystic acne. I was prescribed Glucophage, more birth control, a thyroid medication, and a diuretic. After a year of experimenting with different dosages, brands, and extended release forms I felt exhausted and hopeless. The hormones from the birth control, the constant nausea and vomiting from the Glucophage, the fatigue from the thyroid medication, and the diuretic kept me consistently dehydrated, sick, depressed, and bedridden. College scheduling, juggling part time jobs, and being sick from all the meds would not work. So I stopped all of it. I spent the next two and a half years gaining 80+ pounds and hating myself for having an endocrine disorder that I didn't understand. At a time in my life where everyone else was seemingly enjoying everything I felt like I lost everything; my self-confidence, my happiness, my passion for life. Everyone else was enjoying hiking, swimming, rock climbing, and amusement parks while I doubted my ability to walk across campus everyday because of my weight. I became angry and withdrawn. Every physician and gynecologist only offered me the same medication routine from before. It seemed like no one could help me. I felt lost and alone.
When we moved to Fort Knox, Kentucky, just outside of Louisville at the end of 2011 the physical symptoms became chronic-like. After the third day that PCOS crippled me to the couch from abdominal cramps, I was desperate for relief. I decided I had had enough of PCOS and physicians with no answers. I spent hours researching treatments and finally stumbled upon a holistic health coaching website specifically aimed for naturally controlling PCOS through lifestyle modifications and nutrition. I cried tears of relief as I read the best description I have ever encountered of PCOS, causes, and symptoms. There was finally hope. I learned more truth from one article than I had in the previous five years.
I immediately began implementing diet modifications and holistic approaches to managing my symptoms. I cleaned out the pantry and refrigerator from all the foods I loved; macaroni and cheese, cookies, pastries, frozen dinners, and all forms of white, refined sugar. Within a few months I lost 30 pounds and 2 pants sizes. But for once, it is about what I gained. I learned fundamental lessons like how to love myself, embrace my body for all the functionally great things it could do instead of what I felt it couldn't do (like be a size 0), and the value of gratitude. I felt rejuvenated, alive, and completely in love with life. For the first time, I was ready to live.
During my husband's first deployment in 2013, a short year from when I began this journey, I started incorporating exercise into my life. It had been many years since I had graced my body with the presence of physical activity. I learned to choose an exercise form that I loved doing. Much to my surprise, it became a vital part of my survival during those seemingly never ending deployment days. We moved to central South Carolina that next summer, five months after my husband's return from overseas. It was difficult to continue my exercise routine while readjusting to my husband's return, as well as the struggles of moving and settling in a new place. In the Fall of 2014 I was ready to get back on the exercise train. Deciding that I did not have the knowledge to exercise in a routine that would yield results, I met with a personal trainer (who later became a dear friend). I was nervous to meet with her. I was afraid she would not understand that my PCOS body was different from others and had different nutritional needs. To my surprise, she was a fellow PCOS-"cyster" who absolutely understood everything. She introduced me to heavy weight lifting. And I fell in love.
My everyday routine looks completely different than it did four years ago. I train with heavy weights 3-4 times per week. The biggest core value has been learning to love myself. I choose foods that nourish my body; fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. I never skip breakfast. I allow myself a few hours one day each week to take a long bath, read a good novel, paint my fingernails, etc. I aim for 8 hours of sleep every night. Not because I feel like I am restricted by a "diet" or one specific "lifestyle" but because loving myself has taught me that my body deserves to be treated with respect. To manage my PCOS, that self respect and love comes in the form of food choices. However, from learning how to love myself I have also learned the better lesson; how to forgive myself. This is a journey. I am not perfect. I miss workouts. I still eat a cupcake every once and while. I have to remind myself almost daily that this is a one day at a time, one foot in front of the other kind of path.
February 2016 will mark the fourth anniversary of my life changing journey. While the time frame itself is relatively small, I can hardly believe I was once the girl in the photos above. Now that I have learned how to manage the symptoms, all the negative aspects of PCOS from four years ago seem like a distant memory. It still astounds me that the answer was so simple; food. It wasn't calorie counting, point watching, no-carb, low-carb, or hours of running. It has simply been incorporating foods that I already liked (fruits and veggies) in larger quantities. That is all. Food changed my life. And it can change yours too.